How To Be Annoying In A Mall

• Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond .
• At the bottom of an escalator , scream 'MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!'
• Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable
• Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King .. but save a few to slurp on as snacks . Tell people that they're 'astronaut food' .
• Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set . When he disagrees , give him a strange look and say , ' You mean you really can't see it ?'
• Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments , occasionally screaming without warning .
• Test mattresses in your pajamas .
• If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side .
• Sprint up the down escalator .
• Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they , too , can see the 'hidden picture' .
• Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone .
• At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them .
• Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner .
• Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist .
• Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane . [???]
• Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens .
• Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard .
• In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice , 'I see London , I see France ...'
• Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes , and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps .
• Play the tuba for change .
• Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards , and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers .
• Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will ' give you a really wicked buzz '.
• Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have ' any giant crap made out of straw '.
• 'Toast' plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display .
• Ask the information desk for a stroller , and someone to push you around in it .
• Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing ' Saved by the Bell '. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice , and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets .
• Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform . Occasionally run around in circles yelling ' scratch one flattop !'
• Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are ' leakproof '.
• 'Play' the demo modes of video games at the arcade . Make lots of explosion noises .
• Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down .
• Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real .
• If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap .
• Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say ' Domino's .'
• Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself .
• At the stylist , ask to have the hair on your back permed .
• Show people your driver's license and demand to know ' whether they've seen this man .'